I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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