I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
