I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
