you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
