Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize