As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think my moral compass just broke
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