I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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