Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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