i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
