You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
