btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
