if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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