you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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