it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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