Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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