My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
