Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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