everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
