R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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