Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
