my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
