I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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