I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
