I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
