but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
