Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
two words: eviction party
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize