I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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