tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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