Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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