he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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