Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
