So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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