im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
