we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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