nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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