I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She announced her abortion via fbk
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
