i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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