Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
