Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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