You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
