neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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