I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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