I love black thongs
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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