I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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