She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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