So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize