i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
