another moral hangover. fuck.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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