Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
