I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
