you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
