Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
