Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
