So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize