don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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