I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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