he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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