I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
