I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize