I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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