and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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