I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
