I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
