dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
