I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
