Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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