I love black thongs
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
