just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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