I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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