even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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