I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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