yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
