Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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